I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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