take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
