so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
