she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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