i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
