bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
