I faked an abortion last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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