For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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