Porn is love you can see.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
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Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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