Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
