Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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