but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
