I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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