dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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