I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
