He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
