If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
