my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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