I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
