I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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