i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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