I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
