she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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