I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
