Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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