Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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