cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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