Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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