her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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