So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
