high people should be assigned attendants
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
