she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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