I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
