I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
