no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
