ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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