i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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