i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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