I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
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You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
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I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.