fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...