chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.