You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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