I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
