Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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