I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
