You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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