So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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