I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
