I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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