sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
