I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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