Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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