There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
